i will be in Wien in two weeks. how time flies. i dread the goodbyes. but ironically, i sort of miss my life in vienna.
hari ni, drama air mata dah bermula. its always like that. i always manage to shed tears when i think about leaving my boys.
on the homefront, things are getting a lot better, i guess. you see, i have a weakness. my weakness is that when i love someone, i give my heart and soul. even when i say i would not forgive, my love for him somehow made me accept what had happened. i try to forget, honest to god, i do. but i just can't. you see, when you are in this situation, you will ALWAYS doubt. tapi, i have decided that i would just close one eye, and work my butt off to get what i want, my PhD. lepas tu, i will decide on what is best.
dani....dani is one big boy. great abe (yes..andi panggil dani Abe ok....darah kelate u ols!). i love it when he says : "haha..tataiyo...andi (insert what Andi has done here). He talks a lot. Can read. I am going to miss him and our kissing machine games.
andi, my dear Andi. the one who can miracalously hold his own milk bottle when papa bagi. i don't know how i am going to leave him. he has been my constant companion, dari dalam perut lagi. he has always been with me in Wien. *sob sob*.
neway, doakan semuanya akan berakhir dengan baik.
p/s: am freaking out cos tak kumpul2 lagi responden for FGD (tapi tetap tak buat apa-apa pon!) *matilaaa mak!!!
Monday, September 20, 2010
Friday, September 3, 2010
what if??
don't you sometimes wonder what if? what if i bought a different car? what if i choose to do my phd in malaysia? what if??
you know, when i was in uni, NMK proposed to me. at that time, dia baru confirm kerja. to this day, i can still remember it. we were having teh tarik at a stall dekat signboard celcom tu. and he was telling me that dia dah confirm kerja. i was like, oh..ok *mode: blur*. then he proceeded to tell me that, bila dah confirm kerja, he can choose to withdraw his EPF money and opt for pension, or otherwise. then he said...EPF i ada about 15K. and i was like, oh..ok *note: masih blur*. then he said, what if i guna duit tu and masuk meminang u?? and i was like...wha?????? i never said yes.
the thing is, i felt like i could never accept him because he had misused my trust. honestly, i felt really loved when i was with him. cakap je teringin makan connetto tgh malam...zass....tiba2 ada special delivery. or, penat berjalan kaki balik ke dorm..zasss...tiba2 ada orang jemput. or, kesempitan wang nak makan properly...zass...ada orang bawak pi makan. however, despite all that, NMK had once, earlier in the relationship, cheated on me. he broke my heart. shattered it into pieces. so much so, that when he promised me that he will change, i still had doubts that he will. even when i knew i was then the only one for him, i still cannot believe it. even when it was him that i saw lepas istikharah, i still cannot accept it. for the thought of him cheating on me when we are married will forever haunt me. because he already had a history. how could i?? how could i believe him??
but now...now i wonder what if guys who were 'players' when they were young are the ones who turn out to be honest and ready when they are married? what if, it is the honest faithful guy masa muda yg will turn out to be a cheater selepas kawen, just because they didnt 'experience' it all when they were young?
what if?
you know, when i was in uni, NMK proposed to me. at that time, dia baru confirm kerja. to this day, i can still remember it. we were having teh tarik at a stall dekat signboard celcom tu. and he was telling me that dia dah confirm kerja. i was like, oh..ok *mode: blur*. then he proceeded to tell me that, bila dah confirm kerja, he can choose to withdraw his EPF money and opt for pension, or otherwise. then he said...EPF i ada about 15K. and i was like, oh..ok *note: masih blur*. then he said, what if i guna duit tu and masuk meminang u?? and i was like...wha?????? i never said yes.
the thing is, i felt like i could never accept him because he had misused my trust. honestly, i felt really loved when i was with him. cakap je teringin makan connetto tgh malam...zass....tiba2 ada special delivery. or, penat berjalan kaki balik ke dorm..zasss...tiba2 ada orang jemput. or, kesempitan wang nak makan properly...zass...ada orang bawak pi makan. however, despite all that, NMK had once, earlier in the relationship, cheated on me. he broke my heart. shattered it into pieces. so much so, that when he promised me that he will change, i still had doubts that he will. even when i knew i was then the only one for him, i still cannot believe it. even when it was him that i saw lepas istikharah, i still cannot accept it. for the thought of him cheating on me when we are married will forever haunt me. because he already had a history. how could i?? how could i believe him??
but now...now i wonder what if guys who were 'players' when they were young are the ones who turn out to be honest and ready when they are married? what if, it is the honest faithful guy masa muda yg will turn out to be a cheater selepas kawen, just because they didnt 'experience' it all when they were young?
what if?
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