deadline lari

ni bulan june. akhir bulan june, i am supposed to have my data analysis chapter ready. tetapi....idak nampak pon batang hidung data analisis ittew!

I am just beginning to get used to my new routine. Today, despite Aaron being a wee bit difficult, I managed to write a few pages of my assignment. I hope this is a mark of a good beginning. Pelan-pelan kayuh, kan?

I still plan to finish writing in Malaysia, insyaAllah. Harap-harap semua dipermudahkan.

Lepas habis buat assignment, I must start writing on modernity, identity and cultural identity.

After that, I should start working on my data analysis chapter

Then, kena buat discussion and conclusion.

I really hope ideas would come and things would be made easy for me, insyaAllah. Nak kena doa and solat hajat everyday like I used to, tapi still cannot. :(

I think leaving AA and AD at mak's is a good idea. At least I get to work on my stuff at home. I do have my off days, days I just want to do NOTHING, but u know, at least being alone with Aaron gives me an opportunity to work on things, if I want to.

Oklah....I want to finish up my paper. Only about 1K words to go.

random conversation

wife: b, bila line linea nigra i ni nak hilang?

husband: err...tak hilang kot

wife: tapi dulu hilang. u sayang i lagi tak if tak hilang?

husband: *gelak2* of course

wife: i takut u geli je. u geli tak?

husband: *sibuk concentrate kat his slide for presentation*

wife: bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbb

husband: ye?

wife: u geli tak?

husband: tak lah

wife: *lega*

dan bila esok

ordered mcds again for today's lunch. :)

orang kata ai tak berpantang sangat. hm...maybe. but i still tak makan udang. and also tak makan pulut. and sayur2 sejuk.

what is important for me now is to produce yummy milk that is filling for my aaron. so, i make sure i drink milo every morning or petang. sometimes i also drink the longan and red dates tea, or that hot choc infused with fenugreek. and u drink loads of water as well!!!

pasal assignment, i managed to submit one on time. lagi satu tu, i am still working on it! haiyahh....am so slow ok. but i just gave birth, so its justified la kan? i wanted to stay up last night, but had this massive headache and terrible flu so i slept. today is better.I hope to fonish anaylzing today. and tonmorrow ro write the discussion and conclusion. hopeto submit it by Friday!!!

Ini Aaron

Aaron at a few minutes old

4 day old Aaron

pantang sorang2

last monday was my first attempt in berpantang sorang while taking care of my 3 boys. Mak aiii.. It was not an easy feat. And my plan to tulis my paper ke laut because the boys were going "mama nak .....", "mama aa/ad kacau". Dengan laundry and housework lagi, memang boleh pengsan!

So, on tuesday, i decided tht ad and aa shld be sent to my moms and aaron and i wld stay at home. Things were much better! I managed to get my housework done in the morning and tgh hari, i started working on my assignment.

Anyhoo, its not easyla pantang without helper. I was already doing housework at 4 days post op. Bukan nak tunjuk kuat ke apa. Sakit tu sakit, tapi if x buat, siapa plak nak buat. Dr Sunshine helps around so that is a blessing. :)

pasal makan, my mom sends over lunch. Tapi today i feel like ordering gcb.hehe. Cuma tetiba realized i only have euros with me. So, ingat pinjam duit aaron dulu. Hehe.

My diet now consists of gallons of water, milo pagi and malam which i alternate with hot choc yg ada fenugreek. I drink strawberry milk as well and try to eat lots of protein. Semua ni to help increase milk production. The hot choc with fenugreek sedap but it makes me peluh so much!!!!

Assignment i tak siap2 lagi. Haih.am still unbelievably quite relaxed about it. Hari ni, i plan to settlekan my chai latte projek and continue my other paper esok. Tula..ingat nak burn the midnite oil tonite to get it done. Cuma tula...my aa and ad tu, if nak tido, nak i ada in the room with them. Bila im in there, i pon join them. Hehe.

Klah...nak rehat2 jap. Headache. Ate ponstan already so i hope it'll go away soon.

he has a mind of his own

Hi All!!!

Who would have thought that Aaron would be making his debut a few days earlier than scheduled. Maybe it was also because I pray for God to let me know that he is ready to come out. Takut juga sebab bila buat elective ceaser ni, entah-entah baby tak ready lagi ke apa kan, walaupun the elective ceaser was scheduled at 38 weeks.

It all started on Friday. I started to feel mild contractions. Ingatkan bila dah scheduled c-sect ni, i terlepaslah dari rasa sakit bersalin, rupanya tidak uols!!! Anyway, the contraction comes and goes and masa tidur, I didnt feel it. So it was quite mild lah kan.

Saturday tu, memang rasa contraction since morning lagi. Tapi tetap ai sempat pi breakfast roti telur and teh tarik, lunch Kenny Rogers and dinner char koay teow. Macam tahu-tahu je dah nak pantang. hehe.

Anyway, even tho rasa contraction tu, we still decided to keluar to check out security door (which was all the way in Klang) and then pi IOI plak and puchong to check out strollers. Got back around maghrib. Masa bagi Andi susu in the room, I could hear Dr Sunshine making a phone call to his friend who is an obgyn MO, cerita yang my contraction were becoming more intense (once every 9-10 minutes) and the MO said to come in straight away, and terus puasa sebab there is a high possibility that I would have to go through an emergency c-sect malam tu juga.

Maka, ai pon start packing my bag dan lepas tu relax-relax makan koay teow sambil tgk football dgn the boys. Bila dah nak habis game football tu, we sent the boys to my moms, and sambung tgk bola kat situ (sempat lagi kan....sangat tak sedar diri okeh saya ni of the possibility of facing a uterine rupture because by servix were already thinning). Lepas Kelate menjaringkan gol di gol sendiri, Dr Sunshine and I made our way to hospy. Masa tu, contraction is about every 7 to 8 minutes apart.

Sampai hospy. pi register kat labour room and got this kerek MO yang sangat tak perlu yang bagi2 lecture kat I nak suruh juga I tie my tubes. Orang tak nak, tak nak lah! erghh..... *geram*. VE was done and I was 1.5cm dilated so they decided to send me for emergency c-sect that night itself. Dr Sunshine, seeing how kerek the MO was made a fuss and requested for a specialist to perform the operation. Nasib baik dapat specialist ok, altho it was assisted by that MO!

Was pushed into OT at 2 plus, and Dr Sunshine was with me to technically i tak nampak pon dia because he was observing the op. The only time I remember seeing him was masa I tanya the anes if my husband has seen the baby and she asked me to look to the right and I saw him.

They took out the baby at 3.09 on 12june. Things took a turn for the worst after that. I had a cyst and apparently it grew from 5x6cm to 10x8cm. So the obgyn decided to take it out. The thing is, its twisted around my fallopian tube and ovary. They had some trouble,, cyst burst while they were handling it. They has to clean up (and angkat-angkat my bowels bagai ok...i could feel them pushing it back in macam pack2 balik kemas2 dalam my abdomen cavity). Dalam pada tu, I lost 1.2litres of blood and in order to avoid further blood lost, they cut off my left ovary and fallopian tube.

Masa blood loss tu, me pressure was so low, I was in and out and rasa dizzy amat. I vomitted a few times as well. Op finished at almost 6am.

Recovery this time around is much better. Maybe I could withstand the pain better? I was already up and about on Day 1. Balik rumah pon, ai dah mandikan the boys and goreng nugget,basuh pinggan,lipat kain bagai. hopefully akan mencepatkan proses weight loss. Now x lalu makan, and rasa nausea aje. Hmm...I drink milk tho (yg disimpan dlm fridge..hihi).Dr Sunshine is also quite laid back abt pantang, siap offer iced orange juice which i declined tp mostly sbb MIL was around. If not, i rasa i dah keluar mkn di kedai mamak pon. hiks. Yes uols, mak pantang vienna style. hihi.

ok...

one more thing, nama aaron bukan tiru aaron aziz okeh. It was a name Dr Sunshine came up with even before I got preggers. Tapi tup tup cerita nora e tu ada aaron aziz, otomatik org ingat mak mengambil inspirasi dr situ. *perlu jugak nk explain*

letter to the editor

Dear you,

Sometimes I wonder if I am not good enough. I carry our babies, go through labour, wait for you hand and foot, tapi masih tak cukup.

Hari ni, my heart breaks. You tahu I tak suka, tapi tetap you simpan benda tu. You ingat ni hal kecik sahaja. Maybe for you, but certainly not for me. Come on la. Who are you tying to kid?

First, I caught a glimpse of nama dia on your phone tapi you kata you tak ada contact or call dia pon. FINE.

Then, I found the thing which I said I hated but you still simpan elok-elok despite me saying it.

Selama ni, you cakap kat I you tak de keep in touch. I trusted you. Tapi sekarang, I don't know if I can. You kept that a secret. So what else lagi yg you keep from me?

You tahu, I secretly think you terkena my sumpahan.

I dah penat. Mungkin ini memang nasib i.

-Yang kecewa-

seminggu lagi....

lagi seminggu je tinggal for my elective ceaser. I must admit that I am so much more nervous this time around. Ironic, since it is going to be my third time.

Maybe I am more nervous due to the fact that I might have to tie my tubes. :( The obgyn did advise me to go through the BTL procedure tapi I am quite hessitant because I want to try for a girl pulak, InsyaAllah. Tapi....hmm...it all depends on the condition of my previous scar. If banyak adhesion, then might have to tie my tubes.

I have talked about it with Dr Sunshine and he said it might be better for me to tie it because of all the risks that I would face in the next pregnancy. Dia kata, if nak a girl, we can always adopt. Tapi, jauh disudut hati, i have this fear, which some of you might think to be quite ridiculous, if not being able to give him a girl would make him love me less. sigh. Now I know how those people yang have a hard time conceiving feels. I am without any doubt, so blessed to be able to have kids. But there's also this fear of not being able to have a girl in the future.

So u ols, please doakan that everything will go well. Please doakan yang my previous scars are ok and that I would have a s[eedy recovery.

I am going to pantang at my own house, like how I want it to be so feel free to come in visit, k?

If nak visit kat spital, I will be in spital slyg from 13june onwards. And, sedih ok, because 13june tu, i have to make my own way to the hospy sans husband. Haih...what to do.

Lagi satu, i nak minta maaf ek if ada salah dan silap.

And, to betina gatal tak sedar diri, please stop giving my husband presents b*tch!

masih belum buat apa-apa

omg....am going for my csect on june 14th. wish me luck. really need it especially since satu kerja pon tak siap lagi and its due on june 27th. tsk.