ingatkan saya

Kalau saya ditakdirkan dapat anak perempuan, tolong ingatkan saya supaya saya ingatkan dia untuk mencari seorang suami that loves her more than she loves him.

I just don't want her to feel hurt.

bila keseorangan

it hasn't been easy.

I had to carry on with life as usual when Mr Sunshine left for Ganu. Once again, we are on a LDR. I hate it, tapi dah takdir, nak buat macam mana kan?

Now that he is not around, I have to do everything. Dulu pon memang i yang buat school runs, cook, clean, buat laundry and etc. But when he is around, he at least helps me wash the dishes, pick up the boys from babysitter kalau dia balik kerja awal, look after them (or more like layan karenah Aaron) so that I can have some time to mandi or cook. But now? Now, I sometimes cook while carrying Aaron. I bath with Aaron knocking on the door (tp ni dah less frequent, Alhamdullilah).

On top of that, I have to endure all this while being preggers.

Tapi hari ni or last night actually, I broke down. Just when I thought I am ok and maybe can survive this for another year, something happened.

Someone tried to break into my house. It was around 10pm and I was in bed, fiddling with my phone when I heard bunyi macam tingkap kena bukak, followed by some noise...macam bunyi my son main dengan periuk kinda sound. I knew that AA and AD are both asleep in their room opposite my room. I thought I was imagining things. Pastu, I pergi check and true enough, the window was opened!!! I immediately closed it and checked on my boys. Call Mr Sunshine and he told me to get the boys into our room and lock the door while he calls our neighbour.

Our neighbour came, and checked my house, tak ada apa. I was soooooooo scared and felt so helpless that I cried. tsk. That night, I slept with a lot of lights switched on.

Pagi tadi, my neighbour datang again to just have a look see since dah cerah and easier to tgk and true enough, dekat tingkap blakang (the boys bedroom) ada palm prints and also finger marks. tsk. Whoever it was must have tried to go in through the boys room as well tapi nasib baik, both windows which they tried tu, the grill jenis tak boleh buka.

Alhamdulillah, we are safe and sound. But, I am still traumatised with all this and I burst into tears when I think about it.

Honestly, I feel like I have had enough of LDR. :( It sucks. I hate having to be independent, brave, jadi my son's pillar of strength. Unless you are going through what I am going through, you won't even know how I feel. Its difficult. Nak kena protect your sons who are oblivious to what is happening when you yourself are scared to hell.

On top of all that, I really wish Mr Sunshine would come back tonight, to check up on me and give me a hug. But, I don't think he will. :(

harus terpisah

i am so overwhelmed with work!!!

I feel like I have so many things to do but I have so little time to do it. This goes for both kerja di ofis dan di rumah. I am usually flat by 930pm with all the work.

Di office, I kena:
a. prepare lecture notes for 3rd sem. Why I kena ajar 3rd sem pon i tak tahu.
b. kena buat article pasal student yala
c. kena correct my chapter in srikandiphd
d. kena start buat systematic review
e. jadi sexytary conference
f. my dbp book!!
g. Abstract for conference

sangat penat ok. Lecture dah la 2 kali seminggu. Maka, bayangkan how I kena prepare notes for something i have never taught before. Malas pon ada gak especially time time bulan posa macam ni. Like perluke uols??

On top of that, I am still not well. Masih pekak sebelah. Masih selesema dan batuk. Esok nak ambik result from my tb screening. hope its nothing lah.

Ok...nak prepare for next weeks lecture pulak.

Saya amat berharap saya tidak blank semasa lecture sat lagi.

di kejauhan

my convocation went well!

masa flight nak balik tu, while lining up to check in, ada pekerja emirates tanya siapa akan ke KL? So me and Mr Sunshine angkat tangan and they pulled us aside. They said that the flight has been overbooked and is it ok if we go back to KL on another airline (which sampai KL lagi cepat) and if we do that, they will give us 2 return tickets to Vienna for free!!! So, we said OK!! Tapi, the guy said, come back at 940, and we'll see macam mana, If not, we'll book you guys on business class. Oh...alright.

Turns out, ada a few passengers tak datang. So we had to go on that flight (no free tix!) tapi dapatlah we ols merasa naik business class.:) apa pon, Alhamdullillah.

ANyway,  I havent been well. It has been three weeks already. Bila nak baik ni???

On top of that, Mr Sunshine dah pindah to KT. So, its just me and my boys. Dahla tak leh skype and all. Cuma we call each other quite often. But it feels weird to not be able to see his face. I hope he'll be back next week.

Ok..tu je.

I am feeling super lazy.

Tapi, dalam lazy lazy tu, I made butter chicken yesterday sebab terinspired dgn my friend. he he he.

Dont know what to get for iftar today. Hmm....

Macam banyak aje kerja

Yes uols....feel a bit overwhelmed with work!!!

You see, a few months back, I went to a workshop jointly organised by DBP. After the workwhop, I was so bersemangat that I submitted a book proposal. Yesterday, there was a follow up punya workshop and I was supposed to go but I had something to attend to in the morning. So had to sms the organised cakap I was going to be late. Sekali, tengah hari they called and ask if I can come in NOW to because those DBP reps are very interested in talking to me. I terkulat-kulat lah kan sebabnya dahla lambat...

Jadi, after lunch hour (in which I tak sempat pon makan lunch), I headed to the workshop and presented my proposal. Guess what??? They were REALLY interested in my proposal. Padanlah beria-ia uols!!! If it works out, they even want to plan a book launch, inshaAllah. Who would have thought kan?? The only catch is, they want the manuscript ASAP and I already have sooooooooo many things on my plate right now.

Ok....nak makan lunch. sambung later. CIAO!!!

long distance kembali

Dr Sunshine is now a qualified orthopedic surgeon and will now be known as Mr Sunshine. Following his new status, he will be transferred to a new hospital. This time around, it will be Kuala Trengganu. :(

I have written before on my intention to pursue post doc. One of the main reason is because I wanted to find a way in which I will be able to follow him. Tapi tiba-tiba, he got KT. That caught us offguard! KT was NEVER in our plans.

So, the big move will be next month. From then on, I will be conducting a one women show. With three boys pulak tu!! I need all the luck I can get. Thought of hiring a maid, tapi its too late lah nak hire one. I think I can handle it, inshaAllah. Just have to learn to take it easy.

Things are also working out work wise. I secured a grant and another one tu macam dapat positive response but no black and white so I cannot say anything la kan. I have 1 book chapter out, inshaAllah one edited book soon and a journal article. To be honest, I need to buck up on writing my papers. I have one up my sleeves and another one tu, baru nak mula research on the topic. On top of that, I berangan nak apply for FRGS but we'll see how it goes. If I dapat the other grant, maybe I can hold on dulu to my FRGS application.

Ok lah. Heading to the airport......Am so dreading July. :((

Pasal post doc

So, 2 unis replied.

1 said i can come anytime. :) The other didnt understand the concept of post doc and ingat haku nak apply for phd. hehe.

So now, i nak kena pikir betul-betul dan masak-masak.

I wished there is a way for me to do my post doc with prof.s. Must enquire.

mencari

esok will be exactly six month since i registered for work! And now, saya dah sibuk cari tempat untuk buat post doc.

Tapi, susahnyaaaa nak cari tempat!!!

Pertama, susah sebab saya nak buat dalam negara. Ternyata, masih kekurangan professor dalam bidang yang saya plan to specialise in!! *pening*

Ada satu, memang secocok dengan bidang saya, tetapi dari uni tempat saya bekerja juga. Unit latihan kata, majikan tak favour untuk kita buat post doc di tempat kerja. *nanges*

So far, I have enquired at 3 places. I have looked at other places tetapi memang tak ada tempat yang betul-betul sesuai dengan my bidang. Hmm..baru terfikir, post doc ni, seolah-olah sub-specialty for doctors or surgeons. Dan, not everywhere ada bidang yang kita interested in, which makes it difficult.

Kenapa sibuk nak cari tempat post doc? Sebab, I only have 3 years dari tarikh dapat phd to do it and also because hubs may be posted at somewhere in Malaysia, so I am looking at ways in which I will be able to follow him!

Doakan yang terbaik buat saya ya.

Allah knows whats best, kan?

penat

its so tiring, this juggling thing of working and taking care of the house. It feels like I am holding on to two seperate jobs with two seperate job description.

anyway, just did the laundry and washed the dishes. I am supposed to buat kerja sekarang, finish off my book chapter to be exact but I feel like updating my blog.

It has been 6 months since I came back. It has also been the longest time since I left Vienna. How has it been for me? Nak cakap senang, tak. Susah pon tak. I get by. Sometimes I feel like there's so many things I need to accomplish. Tapi at other times, I feel like, eh...whats the point of doing this.

Right now, I am in the midst of finishing a book chapter for Srikandi PhD, a book on women doing PhD. If you are currently pursuing PhD atau planning to do it, do buy the book when its out nanti, ok??

Lepas buat book chapter ni, I want to work on my post doc proposal. At first I thought of applying for frgs tetapi nanti if i go for post doc, i would have to pass it on to someone else pulak kan.

I am also planning to publish a book but that needs to be well planned. Am quite excited with this project.

Another thing in the pipeline is journal article for a niche research group. And lagi satu, an old friend called me u yesterday and asked if I would like to edit a magazine he is publishing. I, of course, jumped at the opportunity. Hmm,...which reminds me, I must really start writing for papers or something. I aim to have a column or something tapi cemana nak capai angan2 if tak buat apa apa kan??

what else?

cannot wait to balik vienna.

ok...must start doing work. I only have 15 minutes to spare before I go and fetch dani.

cuti semester

its the sem holidays so no classes this week. yeay!!!!

i finally sorted out all the papers in my room. threw a lot of things out.

have things to do but i feel like i deserve some time to relax sat. :)

btw, i still havent purchased my tickets to vienna. sigh. i know. i shouldnt leave it at the very last minute kan? Will do it soonest.

ok. nak pi school run.

headache

 i have been having this recurring headache for the past few days. Selalunya, I can tolerate it...i could still force myself to do work and etc but last night, the night i had to do my lecture notes and compile some documents for a meeting, the headache was so unbearable. on top of that, suami wasnt home because he went to fetch my IL and was supposed to sleep over at his sisters and head to work terus from there.

Lepas dah muntah, i texted him and told him about it. He said he will come home. But I told him not to, sebab by the time he will sampai rumah, it will be about 2am. But he did anyways. And he came back, and urut2 my head before falling asleep.

I feel so grateful to have him as my husband.

At times like this, he makes me feel really loved.

menjadi lecturer

semenjak memulakan tugas ni, memang tak menang tangan nak buat kerja.

hmm...i thought working to get my phd was tough enough, rupanya dunia pekerjaan adalah lebih mencabar. Sekarang ni, bila jadi lecturer, tugas kita bukan semata-mata bagi lecture, malah kena juga buat research, fight to get grants, publish articles, present at conferences. On top of that, you are also involved in multiple admin work, ie: kena jadi ajk itu ini, help out with program itu ini and etc. *lap peluh*

I have been so busy that there are hardly room for me to breathe! On top of that, there's the school run. My days are so loonnggg....it starts really early and ends really late. Yesterday I actually wondered if Dr Sunshine can survive if I wasnt around...if I yang kena oncall or pergi kursus. Why? Sebab basically, I yang uruskan anak pergi sekolah, pack their bags, iron their clothes, make sure their breakfasts are ready, that they wake up to mandi, do the laundry, make sure theres dinner on the table. Semalam dalam I rasa tak larat pon, I had to pull myself up cos nak kena iron Andi's school uniform cos Dr Sunshine sangat busy prepare presentation for today.

Hmm...kalau nak cakap pasal stress, I rasa I pon stress juga (cos Dr Sunshine semalam cakap jgn ganggu dia sbb dia stress nak prepare presentation). I have a lot of things which I kena accomplish at work and my 'work' doesnt end there, when I am home, I have more work to do!!!

Honestly, I never bring work home because I know I will never be able to do it. Dr Sunshine kadang2 heran and tanya, you tak de keja ke, bila tengok i rehat kejap (lepas sidai kain or basuh pinggan or mandikan anak2). I do. I memang banyak kerja cuma I choose not to bring work home. Bila nampak I seolah-olah tak ada kerja, then I guess dia rasa dia lebih busy dari I. :(

Hmm....I rasa orang yang jadi lecturer je yang faham how:

a. stressful it is to be asked to teach a subject that you are not familiar with. That means you'll have to study the subject really well...and on top of that kena prepare lecture notes pulak tu!!
b. we have to strive to get our articles published. Kalau tak kang tak cukup KPI pulak kan?
c. kita kena fight to dapat grants so that we can gerakkan our research. no grant, no research. no research, how to get datas for articles that we were supposed to publish???
d. endless admin stuff to do.
e. layan karenah pelajar....

jadi, jgn hairan if i tertidur while feeding aaron. tak payahlah komen yang i tidur cepat hari ni or hairan why i nmpk penat sangat. cos you dont know what i go through every single day. you think its very easy, but it is not.  

no time!!!

i think there are just too many things to accomplish in a day but masa memang selalu jealous dengan i.

Anyway...good news first. The book I contributed a chapter to is out!!!! :) silalah beli ye.

Ok....so, some of the things I am supposed to buat are:

1. chapter for wanitaundphd. due March 13
2. journal article due March 15
3. lecture notes due feb 18
4. abstract for another journal article
5. cari conference!! Must attend at least one this year.
6. suitable articles for postgrad class.

I have drafted out what I plan to write for the journal article due on March 15th but I need to do some readings to update myself with the issue. So, dah jumpa dah pon article but I am the kind who prefers to read articles on paper rather than on screen sebab on paper boleh conteng dan garis dan etc while it would be difficult to do just that on screen. Masa cari articles tu, tetiba terkenangkan masa cari articles for my phd dulu....that was not too long ago. Baru ingat boleh relaks lepas PhD tetapi apakan daya uolssssssss. My faculty requires its lecturers to produce at least 4 journal articles in a year. Honestly, I tak tahu if it is achievable. Bukan senang ok nak publish in a journal. I know of some people yang bonceng aje on other people's article. So far, untuk 2013, publications that are in the pipeline includes:
1.jpacjournal
2. book chapter WnP
3. book chapter from my department, yang i tak tahu if jadi or not nak publish!
4. book on penulis skrip...ni baru ada orang ajak i tulis.
I need moreeeeeeeeeeeeeeee journal articles. *stress*

Anyway, I also need to study in order to prepare my lecture notes so I shall spend tomorrow drafting what I plan to teach.

oklah...nk cari conference sat.

marketing myself

I attended an almost 2 weeks course baru-baru ni. Some of the modules are boring with a capital B tapi ada juga yang membuka mata i.

Lemme share with you what I think is important.

1. Find a mentor who can guide you and open doors for you. This person should be someone who publishes a lot of article dah banyak buat research and renown in your field.

2. Never say no. Bila orang bagi you kerja/ jawatan/ anything, don't say know. Cakap ya je, even though you are not familiar with what you were asked to do. You can always learn. When you say yes, you open up a lot of opportunities for yourself.

3. Chart your path as an academician. Set targets which are feasable. Bila nak jadi PM? Bila nak jadi Prof?

4. Allocate some time for you to write, everyday. NEVER cakap I am not in the mood, or idea tak ada and etc. Just sit and write. 300 words sehari pon jadilah. Yang penting, tulis. I plan to allocate my mornings for writing. Prof tu kata, 2 jam pon cukup. So, maybe I can allocate from 8 to 10 for writing purposes.

5. Must read new articles and keep abreast with developments in my research field. Baca at least 1 article a day. That way, I will have read at least 365 articles a year and that is quite a lot, kan? So maybe petang while waiting to fetch Dani would be a suitable time to do my readings.

6. 1 good PhD student is worth more than having 10 phd students. So yang penting is quality and not quantity

7. AIm to send paper at journals yang ada quality. Again, the concept of quality and not quantity applies here.

8. Market yourself. Write in to journals and volunteer to be a reviewer. Jangan segan or wait for people to invite you. After a few years of consistantly reviewing one journal, you will usually be invited to be part of the editorial board.

Ok....

Anyway, since I dah gung ho, I actually found the kriteria for PM's application. Now that I have sent my 51 and still waiting for the interview, I can start crossing off some things on the PM criteria list.

Come on uols. We can do this!!!!

pasal rumah pulak

so we have keluarkan our kwsp, again, to help fund our house project.

so far, we used the money we saved (from not having to pay the monthly loan) to buy pots and plants, side table, coffee table and custom made a shoe rack thingy!!!! that, is by far the most exciting thing. hehehe.

Next project will be buying pinggan mangkuk, fork and spoon, cuttlery crockery stuff.

If ada duit lebih nak buat the glass door in our bathroom.

pastu nak buat pantry, inshaAllah.

and buy some appliances like tv for downstairs, sofa, toaster, dryer.

tengoklah ye if duit cukup.

oh oh...i also framed some of the paintings i bought. me likey!!!!!

nanti i tunjuk gambar yek... :)

smart soleh

You know, it took me forever to find a kindy for Andi. With Dani, it was easily decided that we would send him to GA. We wanted to send Andi to GA as well but they did not have any centres in BSP. Plus, last year, I was still hoping that he would be placed in my uni's kindy.

So, after searching high and low, I decided to send him to Smart Soleh Islamic Intergrated Kindy.

What made me decide on the school?

Let me tell you, I went to so many kindies in my search for the right kindy. Dari Islamic montessori, Islamic kindy to Integrated kindy. Macam-macam ada di pasaran skarang. I didn't look at kindergarden macam Qdees or Smart Reader because my nephew and niece went to both and both did not place any importance on religious studies. We, Dr Sunshine and I, have earlier on decided that we would send our boys to an Islamic based kindy.

Anyway, like I said, there are so many kindy available sekarang in terms of Islamic based punya. So, it all boils down to what you look for in a kindy.

I wanted a kindy yang nampak cantik, good facilities, nice teachers, great silibus.

Smart Soleh ni, shortlisted sebab I like the fact that they conduct solat dhuha and yassin recitals on Fridays and there's practical solat everyday. Also, they have a show and tell session on Fridays whereby each student will go up on a small stage to talk about some thing. I think that is great to instill confidence in a child. Pasal reading tu, memang sama je la dgn other kindy I suppose cos they conduct it on one on one basis.

Tapi, there us something else that I particularly like about Smart Soleh. I like the fact that Andi brings home something from school every day. Hari tu, terkejut I bila dia balik and cakap dia buat origami. I thought it was such a big word for him to use. hehe. But yes...my fridge is now filled with his art work dari colouring to collages. So much so, Dr Sunshine kata kena beli file to put his art work since dah banyak sangat. heheheh. Macam Dani dulu. he doesnt bring back his art work. Selalu tengok masa dah end of term masa report card day.

And...I love the fact that school starts from 8 to 12. Rasa berbaloi la sikit bayar 240 per month tu. And, sometimes, they feed him twice, sekali masa morning break and sekali masa tunggu mak cik ambil from school.

And, Andi loooovvvvveeessss school. He talks a lot about it. Buat exercise la, nyanyi la, baca doa la. Hari tu nak masuk rumah, he alerted Papa...nak masuk kena masuk dengan kaki kanan sebab teacher kata.

oklah....

next week cerita pasal dani pulak. Registered him for kafa. lets see if it will be good for him.

first day of school

AD's first day of school!!!!

I survived his first day. Tapi belum apa-apa dah hilang 2 batang colour pencil ok. Geram ai. I cld sense the boy he was sitting with tu sesuatu. Sebab masuk2 kelas jer, terus keluarkan colour pencils dia yang 36 batang tu ala-ala show off.

Tapi,....bila dah lepas rehat, teacher suruh buat colouring, jadi kedekut pulak and tak bawa keluar colour pencil dia and took AD's instead!!!! *geram* Nasib baik I marked the colour pencil already. So I told AD to ask for his colours back. If tht boy tak bagi, sila bagitahu teacher.Hmph.

Then, there was the incident ambil from school. AD was not at the place we have earlier agreed on. Orang semua dah balik ok. Tinggal sikit2 je orang. I panik and went to the canteen to look for him. Non ado. Naik kelas, tak de gak. Walked back to the place and saw him running towards the papa. Rupa-rupanya he got lost on the way nak pergi tempat tunggu tu. And, papa (who was waiting in the car) came because he called Papa since tak de orang tunggu dia. Thank god my boy pandai!!! Alhamdullillah.

His orientation will be till the 18th. 23 baru start bawa buku ikut jadual.

Ittew saja laporan ai!