what if??

don't you sometimes wonder what if? what if i bought a different car? what if i choose to do my phd in malaysia? what if??

you know, when i was in uni, NMK proposed to me. at that time, dia baru confirm kerja. to this day, i can still remember it. we were having teh tarik at a stall dekat signboard celcom tu. and he was telling me that dia dah confirm kerja. i was like, oh..ok *mode: blur*. then he proceeded to tell me that, bila dah confirm kerja, he can choose to withdraw his EPF money and opt for pension, or otherwise. then he said...EPF i ada about 15K. and i was like, oh..ok *note: masih blur*. then he said, what if i guna duit tu and masuk meminang u?? and i was like...wha?????? i never said yes.

the thing is, i felt like i could never accept him because he had misused my trust. honestly, i felt really loved when i was with him. cakap je teringin makan connetto tgh malam...zass....tiba2 ada special delivery. or, penat berjalan kaki balik ke dorm..zasss...tiba2 ada orang jemput. or, kesempitan wang nak makan properly...zass...ada orang bawak pi makan. however, despite all that, NMK had once, earlier in the relationship, cheated on me. he broke my heart. shattered it into pieces. so much so, that when he promised me that he will change, i still had doubts that he will. even when i knew i was then the only one for him, i still cannot believe it. even when it was him that i saw lepas istikharah, i still cannot accept it. for the thought of him cheating on me when we are married will forever haunt me. because he already had a history. how could i?? how could i believe him??

but now...now i wonder what if guys who were 'players' when they were young are the ones who turn out to be honest and ready when they are married? what if, it is the honest faithful guy masa muda yg will turn out to be a cheater selepas kawen, just because they didnt 'experience' it all when they were young?

what if?