traurig und allein

saya menangis hari ini kerana dani menangis while talking to me.

i think he misses me!

we were talking about balik KB.

dani balik kota baru?
ha ah, dani balik kota baru dengan papa.
nanti bila mama balik dari vienna, kita balik kota baru, dengan dani, dengan papa dengan ***i, ok?
dani nak pergi kota baru (suara macam nak menangis)
ok, nanti kita pergi kota baru sama-sama ok?
dani nak pergi kota baru (suara dah sebak)
ok, nanti kita pergi sama-sama.
dani nak pergi kota baru (nangis sekuat hati...uwaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa...he was so upset)
*Dr Sunshine got on the fon*
apsal dani menangis ni?
b, plis tell dani that i kat vienna. i m not in kota baru.

dani, mama kat vienna. mama tak de kat kota baru.
uwaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa (very very upset)
k.k.k. tak nak nangis k?nanti kita balik kota baru. mama kat vienna.
*dani dah kurang nangis*
dani nak pergi vienna.
k. nanti papa bawak dani pergi vienna. dani nak cakap dengan mama?
*cebik mulut*

and that, ladies and gents, got me crying!!

dani thot i was in kb, and he wanted to go to kb cos he knows, pi kb, boleh naik car, tak jauh. cos pegi vienna jaauuuuhhh....kena naik aeroplane. tsk.

selama ni, when i talk to dani, he will always say that dani rindu mama, dani sayang mama. but, bila dia kata rindu tu, slalu papa dia yg coach to say all those things, u know? so, sometimes i wonder, dia betul ke rindu kat i? does he remember me?

but today. today i know that my son misses me as much as i miss him. maybe even more. its just that he doesnt know how to say it.

pastu, dani dah ok. and went out of the bedroom, cari his bike. tapi papa dah bawak bike pi umah mak.and that got him crying again.

i miss my darling son so so so so so much. the distance is killing me, betul. i sometimes have this fear that he will forget about me, or get used to living without me. tapi, now i think that fear is so tak logic. it is true when they say, anak mana boleh lupa kat mak. we share a bond, dani and i.

Dear Dani,

i love you so much dani. i wish you are here with me. i wish i can tepuk u
to sleep. i wish i can buat ur susu ounce. i wish i can make breakfasts for you.
i wish i can mandikan u. i wish i can basuh ur berak. i wish i can change ur
pampers. i wish i can smell ur hair.i wish i can see u ride ur new bike. i wish
i can hug you and kiss you.

dani, i am really sorry for leaving you.i am sorry that i am not there to
see you achieve ur milestones, to hear you recite fatihah for the first time, to
hear u sing pok amai2 and air pasang pagi on ur own. tapi please know that mama
loves you so so so so so much and that mama tak bermaksud to leave you like
this.

mama promise that mama will try my best to find a way so that u can stay
with me and adik next year ok, even if it means paying a lot of money. mama rasa
tak sanggup to leave you dah.

i love you so much dani.

i am sorry.