and the run begins

oh dear. I met the other only person from malaysia who did his phd here and i realised i have got A LOT on my plate.

you see, he told me that i have to take at least 8 classes and present papers in almost all this classes. i havent presented any! and there are forms that I was supposed to fill in masa i took one of the class i was suppose to take but of course mak tak tahu kan? haihh..so many things i didnt know. anyway, this person felt obliged to help me because when i emailed him before i came, he actually DELETED my email, boleh? ye la..dia kan orang glamer uols...so he was filtering emails and secara tak langsung deleted mine. :(

anyhoo, this is what i must do STAT!

1. get my doctoral student confirmation thingy (apparently a thick stack of paper)

2. register for at least 4 classes *matila kiasu!

3. write and finish my 1st chapter by october.

my deadline are as follows:

oct: Chapter 1

November: Chapter 2 and 3

December: Chapter 4 and 5

January: Re-read and Edit

February: Submit first draft

June: Submit final draft

July: Submit thesis

August/September: Viva

meanwhile, mak kena sibuk register for the classes for all semesters. kena catch up uols!!

i can do it!!!

dr tu kata, siang2, buat kerja university like settlekan kelas etc. malam2, tulis. my writing and attending classes has to be done simultaniously.

pastu, dia kata, viva susah! masa batch dia, 20 org viva, 2 jer yg lepas. matila!!!!!!!!!!!!!

tapi takpe, we'll cross the river when we get there, kan? sekarang ni, nak kena concentrate menulis dan juga mengattend kelas.

i can do this! i can do this!

demam rindu

- Dr Sunshine demam, sakit sakit badan, sakit tekak. demam rindu katanya. *smiles*

- Apparently Andi mcm tak de rasa pon mama dia tak dak. or, if ada rasa, is not showing it. he's so independent my Andi. but then again, he calls his papa, mama. so maybe dia ada teringat kat mama dia sket. (fyi: mama dia plak terlebih lebih ingat kat dia. :( )

- finally jumpa the only malaysian who had completed his phd in my uni (under my sv). haiyoh, meeting him made me SUPER risau. doa i can finish on time.

- might be going to salzburg this week. tapi tgk dulu.

- am still getting use to the cold weather. haih.

- decided not to pindah. cannot waste time berpindah randah and all becos nak catch up with my phd stuff.

- err....nak tido dulu. dah pening pening lalat ni. i think im jetlagged.

- i miss my boys.

a new beginning

and so, my new life begins. and boy, its REALLY lonely uols!

i think i would have to develop a new routine. usually, mornings here would be spend with Andi, mandikan, masak, bg makan, main, prepare for nursery. but now, things are different.

anyway, i think i want to move out of this place. its too big for me. and not to mention expensive! a smaller place perhaps is a good answer. lagipon, the lift is not working! pengsan ok mak naik tangga bawak beg 30kg. mujur ada sorang jejaka tolong bawak naik dari 1st floor onwards.

came back to a sweet surprise. got a card from andi's daycare centre with andis picture on it. they also printed 2 more pictures of him at the daycare! best sangat. :)

other than that, i have started reading sikit. must finish my methods chapter by this week. next week nak start on my malay identity chapter.

ada orang ajak pergi salzburg. should i?

hmm...must get ready to go out. problem is, its too cold outside!!tula akibatnya bila balik. kena readjust all over again.

i miss my boys dreadfully.

:(

lagi 2 minggu

i will be in Wien in two weeks. how time flies. i dread the goodbyes. but ironically, i sort of miss my life in vienna.

hari ni, drama air mata dah bermula. its always like that. i always manage to shed tears when i think about leaving my boys.

on the homefront, things are getting a lot better, i guess. you see, i have a weakness. my weakness is that when i love someone, i give my heart and soul. even when i say i would not forgive, my love for him somehow made me accept what had happened. i try to forget, honest to god, i do. but i just can't. you see, when you are in this situation, you will ALWAYS doubt. tapi, i have decided that i would just close one eye, and work my butt off to get what i want, my PhD. lepas tu, i will decide on what is best.

dani....dani is one big boy. great abe (yes..andi panggil dani Abe ok....darah kelate u ols!). i love it when he says : "haha..tataiyo...andi (insert what Andi has done here). He talks a lot. Can read. I am going to miss him and our kissing machine games.

andi, my dear Andi. the one who can miracalously hold his own milk bottle when papa bagi. i don't know how i am going to leave him. he has been my constant companion, dari dalam perut lagi. he has always been with me in Wien. *sob sob*.

neway, doakan semuanya akan berakhir dengan baik.

p/s: am freaking out cos tak kumpul2 lagi responden for FGD (tapi tetap tak buat apa-apa pon!) *matilaaa mak!!!

what if??

don't you sometimes wonder what if? what if i bought a different car? what if i choose to do my phd in malaysia? what if??

you know, when i was in uni, NMK proposed to me. at that time, dia baru confirm kerja. to this day, i can still remember it. we were having teh tarik at a stall dekat signboard celcom tu. and he was telling me that dia dah confirm kerja. i was like, oh..ok *mode: blur*. then he proceeded to tell me that, bila dah confirm kerja, he can choose to withdraw his EPF money and opt for pension, or otherwise. then he said...EPF i ada about 15K. and i was like, oh..ok *note: masih blur*. then he said, what if i guna duit tu and masuk meminang u?? and i was like...wha?????? i never said yes.

the thing is, i felt like i could never accept him because he had misused my trust. honestly, i felt really loved when i was with him. cakap je teringin makan connetto tgh malam...zass....tiba2 ada special delivery. or, penat berjalan kaki balik ke dorm..zasss...tiba2 ada orang jemput. or, kesempitan wang nak makan properly...zass...ada orang bawak pi makan. however, despite all that, NMK had once, earlier in the relationship, cheated on me. he broke my heart. shattered it into pieces. so much so, that when he promised me that he will change, i still had doubts that he will. even when i knew i was then the only one for him, i still cannot believe it. even when it was him that i saw lepas istikharah, i still cannot accept it. for the thought of him cheating on me when we are married will forever haunt me. because he already had a history. how could i?? how could i believe him??

but now...now i wonder what if guys who were 'players' when they were young are the ones who turn out to be honest and ready when they are married? what if, it is the honest faithful guy masa muda yg will turn out to be a cheater selepas kawen, just because they didnt 'experience' it all when they were young?

what if?

benci dan peluang terakhir

buat masa sekarang, saya bencikan lelaki yang tidak berpegang pada janji, lelaki yang menipu, dan lelaki yang curang.

dan perhatian buat seseorang yang bernama Dr Azie (mungkin bukan nama sebenar) yang bekerja di sebuah hospital di ibu kota. sila jangan menggatal dengan laki orang! *sambil pose cekak pinggang*

u ols, ada banyak lagi lelaki lain yang u ols boleh jadikan kawan.

akhir kata salam ramadhan.

p/s: i mean what i said. STOP IT!

last chance babeh.

kosong

i have heard that Allah only tests us because Allah knows that we can get over it.

Saya berdoa saya akan tabah dan berjaya menghadapi segala dugaan yang diberikan.

Bring it on!

p/s: kepada awak, awak memang tak guna! celaka betul. *oppss..matila mencarut di bulan mulia.