beratur masuk pustaka

for the first time in my life, ai was outside the library before it actually opened. heh heh. sebelum ni, sokmo beratur kat luar jualan gudang jer uols. apakah ni semangat baru??

anyhoo, dah sexcited dapat masuk library terus la aim for pc yg dekat hujung belakang tu. sekali, datang orang tua serabai (yg makin serabai dah busuk ya amats! baju pon kotor uols!) and he sat next to me. haih...tahulah uols rindu kat mak sebab tak nampak 3 bulan kan?? namun mak tersenyum jer uols sebab honestly i think he is such a charachter. dia ala-ala pelakon tambahan yang presencenya dirasai.

dalam senyum-senyum tu, ai tetap tak berapa nak tahan dengan bau dia uols...and his constant habit of clearing his throat ditambah dengan nak hembus hingus tu. so, being a typical malay yg bersopan santun, ai collected all my books and pretended to go out, only to sneak back in to a pc kat depan dah jauh dari orang tua serabai ittew. ihiks. yes u ols, ai takut gak if dia tetiba mencaruts kat ai ke sebab terasa hati cos move tempat when he came to sit next to me.

oklah. ai nak buat kerja.

p/s: ai rasa nak mengamalkan konsep surrendered wife mulai sekarang.
p.p/s: ordering red velvet cuppies for hubby. my sis asked what was the occasion and i told her, we don't need an occasion to give gifts, kan??
p.p.p/s: AD wants a Handy Manny cake for his birthday, and party packs and for mama to bring it to his school. err...but mama is in vienna. how ek?

100m

today, i went to the student centre. found out i am in the new doktorat system.

then, i went to the graduate center, and found out that i have to take subjects amounting to 60 credits. my only salvation was that I could still work on my thesis, while taking the subjects.

neway, sebab berangan nak cepat habis, i have to take about 5 subjects every semester.

i am already freaking out.

this semester sahaja, my jadual is quite packed. i am taking:

1. visual culture (told prof but havent register properly)

2. communication and aesthetic (blom register)

3. forschungpraktikum

4. Verhandlungen des Subjekts" - Forschungsseminar. Wir sind nie passiv gewesen. Konzepte des Mediengebrauchs von den Cultural Studies zur Actor-Network-Theory Teil II

5. Seminar für DissertantInnen: Qualitative Kommunikationsforschung - Metatheorien, Methoden und Forschungspeispiele rekonstruktiver Erforschung von Medien und Kommunikation

All this will contribute to 33 credits. As you can probably see, 3 of the subjects will be in Deutsch. Also, muss ich viel Deutsch sprechen um meine studium einfacher machen.

On top of that I am thinking of taking this subject: Zirkulationen des Politischen" - Forschungsseminar Fragen - Strukturieren - Analysieren - Argumentieren - Organisieren but takut plak i have so many on my plate kan?

the graduate centre told me to abishkan my 30kredit, present my proposal in jan/feb and then register for more courses in summer semester. lepaih tu, i might also stay back during summer holidays to take summer classes. *nanges*

Selain daripada pulun nak attend kelas bagai, mak kena juga menyiapkan thesis mak ittew dek non. I hanya akan menghembus nafas lega setelah semua registration for this semester is completed, which means, it will be next week! lepas dah attend the first classes of each subject and fully register, baru la nak rasa puhh..lega. gittew. kalu idak, haiyoo...

hmm...i am thinking of asking for an extension. how ek?

and the run begins

oh dear. I met the other only person from malaysia who did his phd here and i realised i have got A LOT on my plate.

you see, he told me that i have to take at least 8 classes and present papers in almost all this classes. i havent presented any! and there are forms that I was supposed to fill in masa i took one of the class i was suppose to take but of course mak tak tahu kan? haihh..so many things i didnt know. anyway, this person felt obliged to help me because when i emailed him before i came, he actually DELETED my email, boleh? ye la..dia kan orang glamer uols...so he was filtering emails and secara tak langsung deleted mine. :(

anyhoo, this is what i must do STAT!

1. get my doctoral student confirmation thingy (apparently a thick stack of paper)

2. register for at least 4 classes *matila kiasu!

3. write and finish my 1st chapter by october.

my deadline are as follows:

oct: Chapter 1

November: Chapter 2 and 3

December: Chapter 4 and 5

January: Re-read and Edit

February: Submit first draft

June: Submit final draft

July: Submit thesis

August/September: Viva

meanwhile, mak kena sibuk register for the classes for all semesters. kena catch up uols!!

i can do it!!!

dr tu kata, siang2, buat kerja university like settlekan kelas etc. malam2, tulis. my writing and attending classes has to be done simultaniously.

pastu, dia kata, viva susah! masa batch dia, 20 org viva, 2 jer yg lepas. matila!!!!!!!!!!!!!

tapi takpe, we'll cross the river when we get there, kan? sekarang ni, nak kena concentrate menulis dan juga mengattend kelas.

i can do this! i can do this!

demam rindu

- Dr Sunshine demam, sakit sakit badan, sakit tekak. demam rindu katanya. *smiles*

- Apparently Andi mcm tak de rasa pon mama dia tak dak. or, if ada rasa, is not showing it. he's so independent my Andi. but then again, he calls his papa, mama. so maybe dia ada teringat kat mama dia sket. (fyi: mama dia plak terlebih lebih ingat kat dia. :( )

- finally jumpa the only malaysian who had completed his phd in my uni (under my sv). haiyoh, meeting him made me SUPER risau. doa i can finish on time.

- might be going to salzburg this week. tapi tgk dulu.

- am still getting use to the cold weather. haih.

- decided not to pindah. cannot waste time berpindah randah and all becos nak catch up with my phd stuff.

- err....nak tido dulu. dah pening pening lalat ni. i think im jetlagged.

- i miss my boys.

a new beginning

and so, my new life begins. and boy, its REALLY lonely uols!

i think i would have to develop a new routine. usually, mornings here would be spend with Andi, mandikan, masak, bg makan, main, prepare for nursery. but now, things are different.

anyway, i think i want to move out of this place. its too big for me. and not to mention expensive! a smaller place perhaps is a good answer. lagipon, the lift is not working! pengsan ok mak naik tangga bawak beg 30kg. mujur ada sorang jejaka tolong bawak naik dari 1st floor onwards.

came back to a sweet surprise. got a card from andi's daycare centre with andis picture on it. they also printed 2 more pictures of him at the daycare! best sangat. :)

other than that, i have started reading sikit. must finish my methods chapter by this week. next week nak start on my malay identity chapter.

ada orang ajak pergi salzburg. should i?

hmm...must get ready to go out. problem is, its too cold outside!!tula akibatnya bila balik. kena readjust all over again.

i miss my boys dreadfully.

:(

lagi 2 minggu

i will be in Wien in two weeks. how time flies. i dread the goodbyes. but ironically, i sort of miss my life in vienna.

hari ni, drama air mata dah bermula. its always like that. i always manage to shed tears when i think about leaving my boys.

on the homefront, things are getting a lot better, i guess. you see, i have a weakness. my weakness is that when i love someone, i give my heart and soul. even when i say i would not forgive, my love for him somehow made me accept what had happened. i try to forget, honest to god, i do. but i just can't. you see, when you are in this situation, you will ALWAYS doubt. tapi, i have decided that i would just close one eye, and work my butt off to get what i want, my PhD. lepas tu, i will decide on what is best.

dani....dani is one big boy. great abe (yes..andi panggil dani Abe ok....darah kelate u ols!). i love it when he says : "haha..tataiyo...andi (insert what Andi has done here). He talks a lot. Can read. I am going to miss him and our kissing machine games.

andi, my dear Andi. the one who can miracalously hold his own milk bottle when papa bagi. i don't know how i am going to leave him. he has been my constant companion, dari dalam perut lagi. he has always been with me in Wien. *sob sob*.

neway, doakan semuanya akan berakhir dengan baik.

p/s: am freaking out cos tak kumpul2 lagi responden for FGD (tapi tetap tak buat apa-apa pon!) *matilaaa mak!!!

what if??

don't you sometimes wonder what if? what if i bought a different car? what if i choose to do my phd in malaysia? what if??

you know, when i was in uni, NMK proposed to me. at that time, dia baru confirm kerja. to this day, i can still remember it. we were having teh tarik at a stall dekat signboard celcom tu. and he was telling me that dia dah confirm kerja. i was like, oh..ok *mode: blur*. then he proceeded to tell me that, bila dah confirm kerja, he can choose to withdraw his EPF money and opt for pension, or otherwise. then he said...EPF i ada about 15K. and i was like, oh..ok *note: masih blur*. then he said, what if i guna duit tu and masuk meminang u?? and i was like...wha?????? i never said yes.

the thing is, i felt like i could never accept him because he had misused my trust. honestly, i felt really loved when i was with him. cakap je teringin makan connetto tgh malam...zass....tiba2 ada special delivery. or, penat berjalan kaki balik ke dorm..zasss...tiba2 ada orang jemput. or, kesempitan wang nak makan properly...zass...ada orang bawak pi makan. however, despite all that, NMK had once, earlier in the relationship, cheated on me. he broke my heart. shattered it into pieces. so much so, that when he promised me that he will change, i still had doubts that he will. even when i knew i was then the only one for him, i still cannot believe it. even when it was him that i saw lepas istikharah, i still cannot accept it. for the thought of him cheating on me when we are married will forever haunt me. because he already had a history. how could i?? how could i believe him??

but now...now i wonder what if guys who were 'players' when they were young are the ones who turn out to be honest and ready when they are married? what if, it is the honest faithful guy masa muda yg will turn out to be a cheater selepas kawen, just because they didnt 'experience' it all when they were young?

what if?